UPDATES:

Have an interview in a few days here as a professor. If I get the job I will be teaching History of Western Art and the money will most definitely be useful. Had to special order heels just for the interview (since Ive been so lucky to be blessed with these amazonian like feet). Plus BONUS: Using that degree finally that I invested so much sweat and money into.

Started a Drink & Draw Club here in MI few months ago (for artists to get together and unite over drinks and creativity.) So anyone out there interested that is local to OH or MI hit me up. Next session will include live models.

Have 3 more pages left to ink and color of the comic book.

On page 400+ of 3rd Book of the series (massive editing will most likely be needed when Im done getting everything out of my head).

Starting back into fencing again (after a 4 month lapse/break due to finances and lack of time).

Doing a suspension shoot this Sept...excited for that as well.

My birthday is this week (FRI) so I'm throwing a huge party and excited that I get to see family and friends I haven't seen in nearly 8-9 years.

Named my new pet "Sock" after one of my favorite characters from the TV show: Reaper...plus he has white feet so It is appropriate.

And I think that is pretty much it.

It has been a long long time since I have posted a blog on here, and I believe it is time I start again. Not sure if anyone actually reads this or not, but It is more for myself than anything else anyhow. A lot has happened since I last posted and not sure I can cover it all but I will try over time. Some good, some bad..the way things go I suppose.

I am back in MI (as of last year) something I vowed I would never do, but then again I also vowed I would never go back to NC and even tho it took every ounce of me...I did anyhow, so who knows what will really happen in life, and what cards will be dealt.
Initially I came back here for school, but once I was back I realized several things: I should have never left Florida as I loved my job and friends down there, and how I also truly missed Michigan for some unknown reason.

I am supposed to be attending school here for my PhD starting up again this late fall but I am not sure I have the funds for it. Because of my chosen path: funds for my program are not that large and as such I have to pay a little out of pocket. Being that I no longer have a job, this may make things difficult. Regardless I am excited for the prospect and only have 3 more years left as long as I stick with it. There is a new job I interviewed for, and am hopeful I will get...it will also help me a lot in my chosen career path too. I should find out sometime this week.

I am dating someone new since I last posted, who is actually a nice guy (something I'm still getting used to)...We live together now, and have adopted 2 baby kitties. I have no complaints...things are wonderful and he is good to me. Plus his family is lovely which helps since mine is now so far away (NC)...It is both scary and refreshing. Not that the last one wasn't a "nice" guy, he just had some 'issues" he needed to figure out and apparently it didn't involve me being in his life. But that is a part of life: pain. The alternative is being dead, and Id rather suffer and feel pain for any moments of happiness and love and life I can get. But its all for the best as I am happy now.

I started up a Drink & Draw Club here in MI so I am hoping that it will take off even more so, I want to meet all kinds of artists in the area, get my name out there, network, and socialize as it seems most of my friends from when I lived here before have all left (not that I blame them giving the current economy). So far I have a steady amount of people coming and it looks to be growing! If nothing else it will keep me on my feet and keep me drawing and painting.
Once I start working regularly again, I am also hoping to get back into fencing again...I was pretty damn good for a beginner, and it was fun and a workout. I would just like to be able to bring my own rapier, instead of borrowing all the time.
I am also going to get back on the Weight Watchers Diet here again soon (with gym and P90X), it did well for me last time, and Ive been slacking off for too long.

I'm trying to go to lots of conventions, shows, and camping this year (to make up for the last few years)... so that is pretty exciting. Things are stressful and tight due to money at the moment, but it wont be that way for too much longer (*crosses fingers about the job*)...Specially since I really really want to take some people out to the Great Smoky Mountains... Oct or Sept. I love it there. If I had my choice I would live in Ashland nearby there.

Ok, that is the basics and long enough for now, I hope to post more on a weekly basis. Cross your fingers for me on this dream job! :)

Theres this sadness inside of me… it lurks beneath my smiles and nods… Slowly Im wilting like a flower under the august sun… I don’t know how to remedy it. Not sure what love I have lost to keep me buried so deep… Will I close my eyes forever? Keep my love to myself forever? Burried deep in this pit I don’t know how to crawl out. Lord knows Ive tried and tried.
No energy, no peaceful sleep. To have loved and lost is better than to have not loved at all? I don’t think if they knew the pain they would really believe such lies. When will it stop calling to me, this darkness. I try and try and still cant see much light. I don’t know what is left really… I try to write and try to paint and try to sing all of which seems to release some of the pain, but it still remains… I fear it will always remain…
I don’t know what to do, the only person I had to talk to, the only person who understood all of me, is long gone and never coming back, I miss that, I want that again. I realize I have to work towards it, but I don’t know how. Where do I begin? When will it end? And can I open my eyes now, or will I forever lose them like my heart.
I am not myself have not been for many years now. Cant remember the reason for it, though im sure its there. I used to be so witty, so spunky eneregetic and hyper…. Like a asian school girl I was often told… what happened? How to I get that enegery back, now its hard just to stay awake these days… all I seem to want to do is laze around, sleep and that’s the end of it… where did I go?

I domnisoara tu
Mai mult decit cuvint a putea say… I dorinta I a putut have a intemeia un way. I dorinta I had nu git it tot away. Evey dimineata I awake si a vedea al tau smile, al tau par perie meu fata. Numai tu esti nu aici… tu esti lung mers si acolo is nothing I a putea a face despre that.
Tu vei de-a pururi have meu inima, I tinere cholera so gol…it love eu jos. I domnisoara tu. I nevoie tu spate.

In one phrase “take it by the balls.”

You are thrown the ball and you have to decide if you are going to catch it, and throw it back or if you are going to watch it fall right in front of you.

To many people take everything for granted, to many people think things will just fall into place the way they feel it should. Live it, love it, and make the best of it.

Im tired of people that always do what others want, care to much what others think, and wonder constantly why in the end they aren’t happy…. For once, be selfish. There is nothing wrong with that. Im not saying to live your whole life that way, but do what you want, and do what makes YOU happy…and not others. You will find in the end you have only yourself to count on. That may sound depressing, but it is true. You feel more at ease, be more carefree, less stressed and generally happier. You will also be able to truly love, and in turn that too will lead to more happiness. Make the best with what you are given, if you want more or better than go after it!

You only have one chance at life.

This is me for forever
One of the lost ones
The one without a name
Without an honest heart as compass

This is me for forever
One without a name
These lines the last endeavor
To find the missing lifeline

Oh how I wish
For soothing rain
All I wish is to dream again
My loving heart
Lost in the dark
For hope I`d give my everything
Oh how I wish
For soothing rain
Oh how I wish to dream again
Once and for all
And all for once
Nemo my name forevermore

My flower, withered between
The pages 2 and 3
The once and forever bloom gone with my sins

Walk the dark path
Sleep with angels
Call the past for help
Touch me with your love
And reveal to me my true name

Oh, how I wish...

Nemo sailing home
Nemo letting go

Oh, how I wish...

Things I think may be looking up... even though finding decent work is hard, I have much more opportunities coming to me now, then I did when I moved here before.

I finally heard from Dawn today... I miss her, and cant wait to see her. She finally quit smoking too. yay! Gavin is getting huge... and they will probably be moving again soon.

I have more time on my writing which is a huge relief! as I was stressing to get it all done on time. I will still continue to rush it as much as I can, get it done sooner. That way I have more time for myself after the new year.

Im excited for the prospects of my future. I want to just go at it, but know I should be patient...

Well I should get back to either writing or drawing...

Im pissed off now... more so than before. If I wasnt in a bad mood to begin with, he had to go and pull some shit like that. No way I can trust him anymore, least for a long while... Time for a change I think and now.

Ok, so Im in a writing mood... Trying to think up some "filler chapters" for my book. Right now Im on the Aera War, and researching different sword fighting tactics, and techniques to make what I am writing more realistic I guess... But no luck finding anything online... So I guess I will work more on character structure or something in the meantime.

For a long time since I was a child, I was frequently visited by a man. (Ok stop thinking like that) I mean in my dreams. He would come to me in my dreams and tell me stories i never understood until years later, sing me songs in words I couldnt understand but were none the less soothing to me. He would protect me in my sleep, slipping words of wisdom in my ears when I needed it... Always finding a way to accompany me in my thoughts when I needed some sanity. Eyes like the moon and stars, hair long and dark, always warm and friendly. Voice melodic and soothing. I called him my soulmate, to me every thing about that word and him seemed right... Some may call him my guardian angel, I guess this is a matter of opinion, I dont believe in angels or demons in the biblical sense so I cant fathom this true. Perhaps another theory is it is a depiction of what I would consider calming...somthing my psyche created to help me through hard times... Either way I dont care, I felt more alive when I was visited by him then I ever have. I dont know where he went or why he left, but I want him back. I need him back. I feel so incredibly alone...now so more than ever before. It matters not how many friends I have there is this hollow part of me that has left... Im worried it will never return.
What exactly is a soulmate anyhow? The better part of ourselves in our perspective? I thought I knew, I was wrong. I do not know. I know even less now then I did to begin with I fear. I have "clicked" with quite a number of people in my life. Am I lucky or do I not really know what I want. I find myself out of love just as fast as I am in it, and I dont want that to happen this time around. I wont let it. Im tired of it all. But I dont want to settle either.... I can think of 4 people (3 male 1 female) that everything about them just "fit" perfectly... It had to have not worked out for a reason right? Or is it me pushing them away? Do I not really know love? is that what all of this is about?
Either way, I know one thing to be true.... the man in my dreams (no pun intended) IS my soulmate, maybe I will never meet him (or her), maybe I already have: and missed it or gave it up unknowingly, maybe I have it now...I doubt all of these... I know his eyes. I will recognize when I see him, and I pray he return to me soon before I drown for good.

I wish I could take some things back, redo a few things here and there, maybe then it would be easier for me or others... But I cant, I cant go back; so I have to deal with it. I have led an interesting and somewhat creepy life for a female of my age and upbringing... I wish I could have talked to my father when he was around, wish I could have known my mother, or could find her, and find out why she did what she did. Im trying to get over my fears. To everyone who claims to know me, I come off strong, and stable. I am anything but that. I have been torn to many times, I fear one more will be my un-doing.
The night I tasted death, there was this unbearable aching pain in my gut and chest. My heart caving in, my wounds bleeding me dry... feeling hypothermia set in from being thrown in that cold, wet dumpster. To young to make sense of any of it, and having no control of this pulling feeling that I will never see my family again, trying to hold on to the little peice of me that I could see lingering before me...taunting me. My eyes achy and blurred with flashes of him. I feeling my body drag against itself, while it is still trying to wake itself up... My heart feeling like it was ripping itself out of its own cage, but yet still trapped and dormant. Seeing the light hovering above me as I fell into a deep trance. I knew that night there was no god. No god, could ever permit someone to do such cruel things to a child and roam the earth still to this day. Such people should be smited. But they aren't, these things happen far more often then they should. Perhaps I can never escape those demons, maybe they are forever with me, I know I can never let them go, but I will always fight them....Always fighting. I wish I wasnt always fighting. Seems to always be the way, and in doing so I will end up alone, continue to push people away. Im not sure I want to change, in a way im afraid it will change who I am, how strong I have become because of everything, WHO I have become because of eveything. I hate and love the constant fear, and I wish I could figure myself out. I get so angry at myself for getting angry at others when they complain about their life... I have no right to judge anyones pains or sorrows, I should sympathesis with them, not secretly whisper to myself for them to shut up. I hate that. Everyone deals with everything different, eveyones pains are different...who am I to judge if they have the right to complain or not... All I can do is try to help them work through it while all my problems lie dormant... the seed germinating within me until I collapse. I want someone to truely know me, and not judge me. I want someone I can trust enough to let completely in... I dont know if I can ever ALLOW myself to find that person, no matter how much I want it.

I am tired of the nightmares, tired of the dreams, I wish my life didnt involve the soap opera qualities, but at the same time I wouldnt trade it for anything, for I wouldnt be who I am today, and probably not have as much creativity as I have. I am pissed everything I write in this is depressing, perhaps my demon diary... as most of the things I write in here are specifically to rid myself of them, or atleast treat some of the pain they bring to me.

Im still awake, eyes heavy with torment, and lacking the ability to sleep. I am stuck in a rut. Perhaps the biggest rut of my life. They say that you have to hit rock bottom before you can climb out, but when does this hole stop digging itself? I feel most nights as if I am surrounded by quicksand with nothing to grab ahold of. My head high, and the rest of me working against itself, just trying to stay afloat.