Theres this sadness inside of me… it lurks beneath my smiles and nods… Slowly Im wilting like a flower under the august sun… I don’t know how to remedy it. Not sure what love I have lost to keep me buried so deep… Will I close my eyes forever? Keep my love to myself forever? Burried deep in this pit I don’t know how to crawl out. Lord knows Ive tried and tried.
No energy, no peaceful sleep. To have loved and lost is better than to have not loved at all? I don’t think if they knew the pain they would really believe such lies. When will it stop calling to me, this darkness. I try and try and still cant see much light. I don’t know what is left really… I try to write and try to paint and try to sing all of which seems to release some of the pain, but it still remains… I fear it will always remain…
I don’t know what to do, the only person I had to talk to, the only person who understood all of me, is long gone and never coming back, I miss that, I want that again. I realize I have to work towards it, but I don’t know how. Where do I begin? When will it end? And can I open my eyes now, or will I forever lose them like my heart.
I am not myself have not been for many years now. Cant remember the reason for it, though im sure its there. I used to be so witty, so spunky eneregetic and hyper…. Like a asian school girl I was often told… what happened? How to I get that enegery back, now its hard just to stay awake these days… all I seem to want to do is laze around, sleep and that’s the end of it… where did I go?

I domnisoara tu
Mai mult decit cuvint a putea say… I dorinta I a putut have a intemeia un way. I dorinta I had nu git it tot away. Evey dimineata I awake si a vedea al tau smile, al tau par perie meu fata. Numai tu esti nu aici… tu esti lung mers si acolo is nothing I a putea a face despre that.
Tu vei de-a pururi have meu inima, I tinere cholera so gol…it love eu jos. I domnisoara tu. I nevoie tu spate.

In one phrase “take it by the balls.”

You are thrown the ball and you have to decide if you are going to catch it, and throw it back or if you are going to watch it fall right in front of you.

To many people take everything for granted, to many people think things will just fall into place the way they feel it should. Live it, love it, and make the best of it.

Im tired of people that always do what others want, care to much what others think, and wonder constantly why in the end they aren’t happy…. For once, be selfish. There is nothing wrong with that. Im not saying to live your whole life that way, but do what you want, and do what makes YOU happy…and not others. You will find in the end you have only yourself to count on. That may sound depressing, but it is true. You feel more at ease, be more carefree, less stressed and generally happier. You will also be able to truly love, and in turn that too will lead to more happiness. Make the best with what you are given, if you want more or better than go after it!

You only have one chance at life.

This is me for forever
One of the lost ones
The one without a name
Without an honest heart as compass

This is me for forever
One without a name
These lines the last endeavor
To find the missing lifeline

Oh how I wish
For soothing rain
All I wish is to dream again
My loving heart
Lost in the dark
For hope I`d give my everything
Oh how I wish
For soothing rain
Oh how I wish to dream again
Once and for all
And all for once
Nemo my name forevermore

My flower, withered between
The pages 2 and 3
The once and forever bloom gone with my sins

Walk the dark path
Sleep with angels
Call the past for help
Touch me with your love
And reveal to me my true name

Oh, how I wish...

Nemo sailing home
Nemo letting go

Oh, how I wish...

Things I think may be looking up... even though finding decent work is hard, I have much more opportunities coming to me now, then I did when I moved here before.

I finally heard from Dawn today... I miss her, and cant wait to see her. She finally quit smoking too. yay! Gavin is getting huge... and they will probably be moving again soon.

I have more time on my writing which is a huge relief! as I was stressing to get it all done on time. I will still continue to rush it as much as I can, get it done sooner. That way I have more time for myself after the new year.

Im excited for the prospects of my future. I want to just go at it, but know I should be patient...

Well I should get back to either writing or drawing...

Im pissed off now... more so than before. If I wasnt in a bad mood to begin with, he had to go and pull some shit like that. No way I can trust him anymore, least for a long while... Time for a change I think and now.

Ok, so Im in a writing mood... Trying to think up some "filler chapters" for my book. Right now Im on the Aera War, and researching different sword fighting tactics, and techniques to make what I am writing more realistic I guess... But no luck finding anything online... So I guess I will work more on character structure or something in the meantime.

For a long time since I was a child, I was frequently visited by a man. (Ok stop thinking like that) I mean in my dreams. He would come to me in my dreams and tell me stories i never understood until years later, sing me songs in words I couldnt understand but were none the less soothing to me. He would protect me in my sleep, slipping words of wisdom in my ears when I needed it... Always finding a way to accompany me in my thoughts when I needed some sanity. Eyes like the moon and stars, hair long and dark, always warm and friendly. Voice melodic and soothing. I called him my soulmate, to me every thing about that word and him seemed right... Some may call him my guardian angel, I guess this is a matter of opinion, I dont believe in angels or demons in the biblical sense so I cant fathom this true. Perhaps another theory is it is a depiction of what I would consider calming...somthing my psyche created to help me through hard times... Either way I dont care, I felt more alive when I was visited by him then I ever have. I dont know where he went or why he left, but I want him back. I need him back. I feel so incredibly alone...now so more than ever before. It matters not how many friends I have there is this hollow part of me that has left... Im worried it will never return.
What exactly is a soulmate anyhow? The better part of ourselves in our perspective? I thought I knew, I was wrong. I do not know. I know even less now then I did to begin with I fear. I have "clicked" with quite a number of people in my life. Am I lucky or do I not really know what I want. I find myself out of love just as fast as I am in it, and I dont want that to happen this time around. I wont let it. Im tired of it all. But I dont want to settle either.... I can think of 4 people (3 male 1 female) that everything about them just "fit" perfectly... It had to have not worked out for a reason right? Or is it me pushing them away? Do I not really know love? is that what all of this is about?
Either way, I know one thing to be true.... the man in my dreams (no pun intended) IS my soulmate, maybe I will never meet him (or her), maybe I already have: and missed it or gave it up unknowingly, maybe I have it now...I doubt all of these... I know his eyes. I will recognize when I see him, and I pray he return to me soon before I drown for good.

I wish I could take some things back, redo a few things here and there, maybe then it would be easier for me or others... But I cant, I cant go back; so I have to deal with it. I have led an interesting and somewhat creepy life for a female of my age and upbringing... I wish I could have talked to my father when he was around, wish I could have known my mother, or could find her, and find out why she did what she did. Im trying to get over my fears. To everyone who claims to know me, I come off strong, and stable. I am anything but that. I have been torn to many times, I fear one more will be my un-doing.
The night I tasted death, there was this unbearable aching pain in my gut and chest. My heart caving in, my wounds bleeding me dry... feeling hypothermia set in from being thrown in that cold, wet dumpster. To young to make sense of any of it, and having no control of this pulling feeling that I will never see my family again, trying to hold on to the little peice of me that I could see lingering before me...taunting me. My eyes achy and blurred with flashes of him. I feeling my body drag against itself, while it is still trying to wake itself up... My heart feeling like it was ripping itself out of its own cage, but yet still trapped and dormant. Seeing the light hovering above me as I fell into a deep trance. I knew that night there was no god. No god, could ever permit someone to do such cruel things to a child and roam the earth still to this day. Such people should be smited. But they aren't, these things happen far more often then they should. Perhaps I can never escape those demons, maybe they are forever with me, I know I can never let them go, but I will always fight them....Always fighting. I wish I wasnt always fighting. Seems to always be the way, and in doing so I will end up alone, continue to push people away. Im not sure I want to change, in a way im afraid it will change who I am, how strong I have become because of everything, WHO I have become because of eveything. I hate and love the constant fear, and I wish I could figure myself out. I get so angry at myself for getting angry at others when they complain about their life... I have no right to judge anyones pains or sorrows, I should sympathesis with them, not secretly whisper to myself for them to shut up. I hate that. Everyone deals with everything different, eveyones pains are different...who am I to judge if they have the right to complain or not... All I can do is try to help them work through it while all my problems lie dormant... the seed germinating within me until I collapse. I want someone to truely know me, and not judge me. I want someone I can trust enough to let completely in... I dont know if I can ever ALLOW myself to find that person, no matter how much I want it.

I am tired of the nightmares, tired of the dreams, I wish my life didnt involve the soap opera qualities, but at the same time I wouldnt trade it for anything, for I wouldnt be who I am today, and probably not have as much creativity as I have. I am pissed everything I write in this is depressing, perhaps my demon diary... as most of the things I write in here are specifically to rid myself of them, or atleast treat some of the pain they bring to me.

Im still awake, eyes heavy with torment, and lacking the ability to sleep. I am stuck in a rut. Perhaps the biggest rut of my life. They say that you have to hit rock bottom before you can climb out, but when does this hole stop digging itself? I feel most nights as if I am surrounded by quicksand with nothing to grab ahold of. My head high, and the rest of me working against itself, just trying to stay afloat.

These ghosts I keep inside
shards of glass in my veins
release me from myself, release
from my duality.

I face these as a soldier would
but useless is my war
the innocence that smiles today
tomorrow will be lying

I had a friend many years ago
One tragic night he died
The saddest time of my life
For weeks and weeks I cried

Through the anger and through the tears
I've felt his spirit through the years
I'd swear, he's watching me
Guiding me through hard times

I feel it once again
It's overwhelming me
His spirit's like the wind

The angel guarding me
Oh, I know, oh, I know
He's watching over me

When did I hear this wind before
change like this to a deeper roar?

I'm starting to bleed another way
I just need some time to complete myself
these spotlights are here again
I can't see anything, I'm blind

this nature of time and space
makes me sick of the situation
And now the beat inside of me
Is a sort of a cold breeze and I've
Never any feeling inside
Around me...

I bring my body
Carry it into another world
I know I live...
but like a stone I'm falling down

You call out my name, but your voice is fading
into the wind, embraced, you'll fly away now, fly away now

Every solemn moment I will treasure inside
even though it's hard to understand
that a silent wind can blow that candle out
taking everything leaving the pain far behind

Nothing on earth stays forever
but none of your deeds were in vain
Deep in my heart you will live again
you're gone to the home of the brave

So this song is for all of you
By my side, through and through.

There was a time I could have had it all...
a family a nice house a wonderful artist for a husband whom i loved and worshipped.
That is not to be, after conversing with a good friend online I was reminded that night (in my dreams) of that lost life.
He thought I left before because of other reasons... I wish he knew the truth, maybe then he would not have tossed my heart out so abrubtly.
He thought himself to be infertile, wrong he was... I found myself five months pregnant before the real heartache hit. Something was lost in me that day, somewhere a huge part of me died. I am no longer able to easily open up, to fully give myself, to fully love. I wanted so much to have a family; my death put an end to all of those dreams. I dont think I can ever move past that pain, and what followed it.
I find myself now, in the midsts of new possibilities, new hopes, new dreams. I wonder what will come of me, what the future has to hold, and if this is what I truely want. I am happy, but a part of me still lies dormant. Im afraid that it will never be repaired or opened again. I want so much to be able to love truely again, not fearing the future...but instead hoping for it, no matter what may befall. I know soon I will know what truely lies within the depths of me, I am learning, ever so slowly...but learning to let go of the past, learning to not linger in the dark.
Slowly it is happening but I am coming alive again.

Lyrics in the works
The Hollow:

Feel the hollow
Depths of you…
Transmuted and transgressive
Hollow hearted
Soul departed
Angel eyes
Cry for me and hold to the sky

This faithless night
I pray for you
Hold my head up high

I cling on to your depths
Hollow and sacred

This kind of prison infallible
An addiction to ignite the scorched flame
Breathe deep….
For tonight is revelation

i havent put any chorus in or any stress on any words, working on that now.

Now
I can trust you now
As I feel at ease
How lost in you
Should I be
Now I can see you clear
As the day begins
How lost in this
Should we be Share
And say you’ll bring
To me deep love
You can’t say that it’s too soon to say how you feel
Share and say you’ll bring
To me deep love
Just don’t say that it’s too soon to say how you feel
Now
As I touch you here
As the day begins
How lost in this
Should I be
Share
And say you’ll bring
To me deep love
You can’t say that it’s too soon to say how you feel
Share and say you’ll bring
To me deep love
Just don’t say that it’s too soon to say how you feel....
Share you say you’ll bring
To me deep love
You can’t say that it’s too soon to say how you feel
Share and say you’ll bring
To me deep love
Just don’t say that it’s too soon to say how you feel
Share
And say you’ll bring
To me deep love
You can’t say that it’s too soon to say how you feel ...

feel the vibe,
feel the terror,
feel the pain it's driving me insane
I can't fake
for god sakes why am I
driving in the wrong lane
trouble is my middle name
but in the end I'm not too bad
can someone tell me if it's wrong to be so mad bout you
mad about you mad
are you the fishy wine that will give me a headache in the morning
or just a dark blue land mine that'll explode without a decent warning
give me all your true hate
and I'll translate it in our bed
into never seen passion,
never seen passion
that it why I am so mad about you
mad about you
mad about you
mad
trouble is your middle name
but in the end you're not too bad
can someone tell me if it's wrong to be
so mad about you
mad about you
mad
give me all your true hate
and I'll translate it in your bed
into never seen passion
that is why I am so mad about you
mad about you